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26 February 2016

Wife. Woman. Friend. Part 1 by Dana Gilmore

I absolutely LOVE this poem. Dana Gilmore performed this LIVE on Def Poetry Jam, a spoken word TV series which aired on HBO and was hosted by Mos Def.
This was on Season 3- Episode 2 (April 11, 2003)

I guess I should not be surprised that my beginning was his end. After all, we were just friends. Although in my world I was his girl, so in my mind I pretended to be his wife. Saying sh*t like, "there's only so many years in a woman's life". Right, so I gave him three.

Yet he had the audacity to step to me on this Donnell Jones "I don't know where I wanna be" type sh*t. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He hit me with the forehead kiss. He told me life was a journey and he was ready to explore this sh*t, and I was pissed.

I start pullin' out Tupac hits telling me to keep my head up and R.Kelly picks about when a woman's fed up. Cause I was down with him for so long that I didn't think I could get up. Till one day I got tired of sleeping on pillows my tears had wet up and realized that life goes on and no he didn't choose me and that doesn't make him right nor wrong.

And just because he was the epitome of my life that doesn't make me wrong nor right. Like I said I was his friend and not his wife. And I should've acted within that capacity. And then this breakup would've been "just one of them things". And not a f**king tragedy.

And all the time I spent mad at him I should've been mad at me. After all I was the one that gave him the key to my house, Let him hang clothes in my closet just in case we go out. Washing all his dirty clothes to make a "full load". And let him finish all the leftovers just so the food don't go old.

For the times that we raw-dogged just cause he "lost all the rubbers". And though I showed him more support than his father, brother, sister, and mother and just 'cause those same people dial my number when they're trying to stay in touch. And he received mail at my address "cause he sleeps here so much".

Got total control of the remote control to the TV, DVD, and radio And even though his name is not on my lease got sh*t in my house that is off limits to me like his side of my bed and his stash of weed. And I better not touch his shoe box, Fruit Loops, mouthwash or toothbrush. He even had his own set of towels.

But none of this obligates him to me because not once did we exchange vows. And If I knew then, what I know now, I probably would've listened, when he said it was some sh*t that he needed to get out his system. But I was too busy bitchin', jumpin' bad like I was gonna hit him. And in the back of my mind all I could fathom was how much I was gonna miss him. And just because I'm cryin' don't mean I'm the victim, it's just that I was too scared to let him go 'cause some other chick might get him.

And that was my fault, it was my decision I should've never put my heart in my mind's position. But I couldn't shake him--he was like a bad habit. And all this for a n***a that was just average, doing average n***a sh*t Like talking out the side of his neck and thinking with his d*ck.

But, I must admit he's the one I wanted to commit to. Either I wasn't living up to my potential, or I was just the average chick. But I chose to believe that I was a woman caught up in a feeling. Both physical and emotional, who was way too willing to give her all to a man. And though it may sound stupid I would do it all again. Just next time for my husband and not a n***a I call my friend.

-Dana Gilmore

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